rose

hi! i'm rose. i'm jewish; from the states; in my twenties; in law school.

i'm trying to transition from tumblr to dreamwidth, very unsuccessfully. i'm mostly active on reddit and under my real life on snapchat (neither of which i want to overlap w my fan life). so contacting me on a regular basis can be a little iffy.

fan-wise, i'm kind of all over. i'm not really 'practicing' in any fandom right now; most recently, i was really into dc but i'm not psyched about either side of dc fans -- although the dreamwidth communities are the best there. am still vaguely into harry potter, but only re: transformative works, esp those that spite rowling's bullshit. i've mostly written for dc -- my ao3 is here -- but maybe might get some star wars up eventually? who knows

mostly, talk to me about history, law, politics, economics. got good non-fiction book recs? please pass em on!

i promise i'm nicer than i seem from my admittedly curt writing style! i only bite when provoked; i take my cues from the virtuous rattlesnake.

saw someone i knew in high school got married today. always wonder what it's like to marry at 20, 21. to think that's the person you're going to be with for the rest of your life. i've not been on this earth long enough to have that much object permanence about anything but my parents & my brother. i'm always so curious about what prompts people to make that sorta choice. how do you meet someone -- who you've not even known since hs -- and decide to marry them? i mean i guess if you met them fresh outta high school, that's four years (18, 19, 20, 21 -- which, oh dear lord). but even so. there's so much life left to live. so many people still left to meet, to fall in love with. how can you be so sure right now? we're really not that old.

the other thing i've got on my mind is this whole fuckary surrounding the israel trip. i'm not sure i'm going to be testing negative by the time i need to get on that plane. in fact, i'm pretty sure i won't be. that's really fucking scary to me. i'm also not sure what i'm supposed to tell the nurse practitioner tomorrow either. do i tell her 'yeah, sooo i tested positive twice [presuming i test positive tonight] but don't put me back in the globe.'? do i tell her i've not tested at all. what if she asks me to and i fail! too many unknowns are stressing me the fuck out. i really really hate this whole fuckary so badly. i'm also not sure i really want to go to israel? like yeah, getting out of the country is great and all but i want to go home so badly. i yearn. i feel like there's a magnet pulling me west and going further east isn't going to help at all. i want to be home w my parents and my cat and my city and my state goddamnit!!

i'm so tired of all this. i could feel the anxiety and exhaustion return as i crossed into virginia. i have so much to do and no motivation to do it. i have two papers, two exams, and interpersonal relations to deal with. i'm very much sure i do not have the capability to do all this. a friend said it sounded like i was burnt out, which at the time i disagreed with. now i think she's right. i told her that, of course. that she was right. credit where credit's due and all that. i just do not like being here. it brings me no joy. i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home i want to go home